This is always the hard part

My heart is broken today. There is some pain that is so vibrant and a hurt so rich that it consumes my being. My goal is to validate the pain, nurse the hurt and incorporate the experience into who I am.
My oldest son was away at camp for the past four weeks. While he was away, his cat (jerkface) was hit by a car and killed. When he came home today, we had to let him know what happened.
Jake changes so much when he goes to camp. He grows and explores new ideas and comes home with new beliefs and perspectives. This year, he came home with a much deeper voice. Oh boy, that'll have to be a post all in its own...
My husband took care of it. He told him what happened and showed him where we buried Jerkface. He told him it was okay to cry. Jake didn't cry. Well, after Tom left him alone to his thoughts, he broke down.
I hate this part. I could feel him. I could feel his sadness. I was upstairs in my room and looked out the window. He was there under the Hydrangea trees quietly weeping by himself.
I wanted to go out there and hold my baby, but I knew that wouldn't be the right answer just yet either. See, Jake is 11, almost 12. He's not a little kid anymore and I know that our relationship is about to change as well.
This part kills me. One of the things I desperately want my children to learn is self advocacy. I need for him to trust himself and come seek me out if I can help ~ or even if I can't do anything except be there.
He cried alone. He wiped his eyes and came inside. I went downstairs to make myself available to him and found him snuggling his baby brother (Zayah).
Turns out he was helping him pull out his tooth, first one he's lost.
I love this part. My son is learning to self soothe, reach out for creature comfort and seek out love and closeness. Yes, I wish it was still me to kiss away the pain, but I am more grateful that he did it in his own way.
Grief is an inevitable process. If we fight it, I think it'll warp every relationship we ever have. Sometimes we have to deny and then acknowledge that we were in denial. Sometimes we need to cry softly and then turn around and scream at the Heavens. Eventually we have to be angry when we grieve. If we don't get angry then we simply displace it and punish innocent people with our pent up rage.
I think it's okay to scream and rage at God when we are grieving. I think He can handle it ~ after all he is our Father. It's okay to be angry Jake. It's okay to cry. It's okay be sad. It's okay to deny it ever happened. It's okay to pull the blossoms from the trees and cry into their soft pedals only to rip them up and throw them to the ground. It's okay to hurt. Because we won't know how to treasure happiness, love, acceptance, beauty and all things GOOD, if we don't know the raw pain that comes from losing them.


Rest in Peace Jerkface. We love you and we will never forget you.