I don't think that I am here on Earth because God is happy with Who I am.

As a parent, I have observed some things that I never could have understood as a child. Which child is usually removed from a home? The one who is obedient, kind, thoughtful and willing to accept the ground rules their parents have put in place?
It seems to me that more often, the child who is sent out (or leaves) tends to be argumentative, disrespectful & pride-ridden. I'm not passing judgment on either child, this is merely observation.
Well, it seems that most Christians believe that there was some type of war that occured in Heaven and so many souls chose to support Heavenly Father and the rest chose to follow Lucifer.
Did God really just cast out all those spirit children because they were rebellious? Really?
It seems to me that if my child were rebellious and either left home or was asked to leave, that the door would be open for there return, albeit the journey may be difficult to get back home.
I would want my child to conquer pride and anger. I would want them to live on their own without my direct guidance and I would want them to maybe suffer a little bit just to ensure they are humble and ready to come back into my graces.
But, under no circumstances would I slam the door and never give them any opportunity to learn, grow and return to our family.
Why would God?
Perhaps we are the ones who were rebellious? What if God put Earth out there in that outer darkness and ensured we had a place to go that was restrictive, humbling and removed from his direct interventions, however with faith and a couple other constructs, we would be able to either continue to reject our Heavenly status or return to His home?
Why else would we have to suffer with the things we do in this world? I hardly think it's because we were obedient and in His good graces.
I feel God's love. I know I have a purpose and a place in Eternity. I know I am here to learn many things and not to judge anyone else's choices, paths, beliefs. Because, they too, have their paths and places to grow.
I'm sure this makes me a lousy Christian. But, my faith has allowed me to hae confidence in my personal agency and accountability. My experiences has allowed me to have faith and confidence in yours as well.
Knowing who I am, I am positive beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a bit rebellious in Heaven as well...

Why do we mourn the dead and why is it rudeto rejoice?

This week, Honey lost his Aunt to congestive heart failure. He is grief stricken and is flying back tomorrow to attend the funeral.
I always thought of death as a release from the pains of this reality. No person, no religion can encompass and articulate what comes after death because we are limited by a physical prison we call a body. Are thoughts, feeling and actions are all finite. The Creator is not therefore we cannot conceptualize what comes next.
But, anyone who has ever held a new baby, or noticed a dandelion that has forced it's way through concrete to bloom, or has laid in a foxhole with live fire going over their head cannot possibly believe that we are dead when we die and recycled back to the Earth with no further ado. Well, I certainly don't accept it.
When JerkFace (the cat) died, I was pained so much from the grief that my children suffered. When our loved ones die, I feel this well inside of me open up with an amzing amount of love and happiness for that person. They got called beyond this place. They get to know what comes next. They have gained their lessons from this life and can move on with...Eternity.
I hate saying, "Sorry for loss" or "With the greatest sympathies"...
Secretly I send flowers and I always know in my heart that they are a gift of celebration ~ perhaps graduation. They are a symbol of hope and acceptance.
Death is an ultimate acceptance. I accept this fate for me and for every other person on this planet. I know there is something else out there.
Goodbye for now May Ann. You did so much good in this world. You live on in my Honey and we will see you again soon.

This is always the hard part

My heart is broken today. There is some pain that is so vibrant and a hurt so rich that it consumes my being. My goal is to validate the pain, nurse the hurt and incorporate the experience into who I am.
My oldest son was away at camp for the past four weeks. While he was away, his cat (jerkface) was hit by a car and killed. When he came home today, we had to let him know what happened.
Jake changes so much when he goes to camp. He grows and explores new ideas and comes home with new beliefs and perspectives. This year, he came home with a much deeper voice. Oh boy, that'll have to be a post all in its own...
My husband took care of it. He told him what happened and showed him where we buried Jerkface. He told him it was okay to cry. Jake didn't cry. Well, after Tom left him alone to his thoughts, he broke down.
I hate this part. I could feel him. I could feel his sadness. I was upstairs in my room and looked out the window. He was there under the Hydrangea trees quietly weeping by himself.
I wanted to go out there and hold my baby, but I knew that wouldn't be the right answer just yet either. See, Jake is 11, almost 12. He's not a little kid anymore and I know that our relationship is about to change as well.
This part kills me. One of the things I desperately want my children to learn is self advocacy. I need for him to trust himself and come seek me out if I can help ~ or even if I can't do anything except be there.
He cried alone. He wiped his eyes and came inside. I went downstairs to make myself available to him and found him snuggling his baby brother (Zayah).
Turns out he was helping him pull out his tooth, first one he's lost.
I love this part. My son is learning to self soothe, reach out for creature comfort and seek out love and closeness. Yes, I wish it was still me to kiss away the pain, but I am more grateful that he did it in his own way.
Grief is an inevitable process. If we fight it, I think it'll warp every relationship we ever have. Sometimes we have to deny and then acknowledge that we were in denial. Sometimes we need to cry softly and then turn around and scream at the Heavens. Eventually we have to be angry when we grieve. If we don't get angry then we simply displace it and punish innocent people with our pent up rage.
I think it's okay to scream and rage at God when we are grieving. I think He can handle it ~ after all he is our Father. It's okay to be angry Jake. It's okay to cry. It's okay be sad. It's okay to deny it ever happened. It's okay to pull the blossoms from the trees and cry into their soft pedals only to rip them up and throw them to the ground. It's okay to hurt. Because we won't know how to treasure happiness, love, acceptance, beauty and all things GOOD, if we don't know the raw pain that comes from losing them.


Rest in Peace Jerkface. We love you and we will never forget you.

Dispute settlement

Best two out of three... Last one standing wins the arguement.


And of course, How do YOU catch a liar in your house? Here, we do the tongue test of honesty! I can catch who the dishonest one is by looking at their tongue... Can you figure out the real test?

Here's a Little Shel Silverstein. Ahh, His wisdom is immense

Ladies First - Shel Silverstein (A Light in the Attic)

Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first,"
Pushing in front of the ice cream line.
Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first,"
Grabbing the ketchup at dinnertime.
Climbing on the morning bus
She'd shove right by all of us
And there'd be a tiff or a fight or a fuss
When Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first."



Pamela Purse screamed, "Ladies first,"
When we went off on our jungle trip.
Pamela Purse said her thirst was worse
And guzzled our water, every sip.
And when we got grabbed by that wild savage band,
Who tied us together and made us all stand
In a long line in front of the King of the land-
A cannibal known as Fry-'Em-Up Dan,
Who sat on his throne in a bib so grand
With a lick of his lips and a fork in his hand,
As he tried to decide who'd be first in the pan-
From back of the line, in that shrill voice of hers,
Pamela Purse yelled, "Ladies first."

Favorite Quotes

I decided to add a section of favorite quotes. Sometimes, little sayings just capture a tiny piece of our personality. I'll add to it as I go!

I am proof that Behaviorial and Cognitive Theorists are soul sisters

So, in the past few years, I have had the opportunity to witness TFCBT (Trauma Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy), DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy), Psycho Therapy, Person-Centered Therapy, Family-based CBT… I am therapeutically all set!
When I went through basic training, I went through the greatest behavioral alteration process I have ever encountered. A Drill Sergeant’s main purpose in life is to relieve me of every behavior that: A: Could destroy the peace, B: Kill me and C: Kill other soldiers. The process was strictly of the behavioral flavor. Deprive me of sleep and creature comforts, then raise my stress level and anxiety to new personal highs, and then allow me to fail at every aspect of my life for one week, and hopefully, my personality becomes a smooshy substance that can be shaped into that of a United States Soldier. For the most part, that worked. But, you can’t keep that ever present stable personality down for too long. Eventually, every soldier takes their new standards and incorporate their own unique qualities, traits and snafus. I will always have a soldier’s mentality in some ways. But now, I find that it is an enhancement, a facet, of the greater human~ Me.
Behaviorists have long proclaimed that we are creatures who are shaped and conditioned by our environments. Historically, behavioral theorists such as B.F. Skinner and John Watson have claimed that we are a product solely of our reactions to environmental stimuli. In regards to personality, a behaviorist may decide that my core personality is non-essential because a change of environment will result in a change of my personality. Theoretically, this makes sense except they forgot about a common human characteristic referred to as personal agency or choice. If a theory can claim that helplessness is learned, then it must be logical to claim the opposite idea personal choice is used when the person chooses to be helpless, or helpful.
Cognitive theorists assume that a person’s thoughts drive their behaviors. If a person has learned that they will physically suffer from a lack of food, then hunger will evoke anxiety which will in turn require a person to use their learned behavior which will ensure they will eat soon. Behaviorists can pretend cognition is non essential but cognition is non essential if it produces no behaviors. Thus, Cognitive-Behavioral theorists have come to light.

Here's my husband and me working hard to put the emotion aside and work through the incorrect beliefs I have about my teenager who was behaving very poorly. Dialectics gave me the skills to seperate my immediate anger from my irrational belief that she purposefully strives so hard to punish me. This one worked out well. I was able to accept that this was just poor choices of her own in that moment. I was able to validate how she was feeling and end up enjoying the evening rather than the alternative temper tantrum in public.

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy taught me how to access the thoughts I have about an event and then consult my emotions before I choose the behavior I will display. The Army taught me to shoot to kill and wait for someone else to ask questions. DBT/CBT taught me to validate the person I wish to kill and seek out a middle path rather than, “killing em all and letting God sort em out”.

A person is immediately subjected to many things from the time they are conceived within a mother’s womb. By the time the child is three, they have formed expectations about love and attachment. By the time they are five years old, they have learned specific behaviors that allow them to get their needs for love, attachment, security and comfort met. Regardless of whether the needs a person feels are appropriate, and with equal disregard to the success of the behaviors, some theorists believe that a process is taking place. Each person has an environment that is constantly changing and affecting their life. When the different events occur, a person observes the event, attaches a belief (or a schema) to the event and registers an emotional bond to the event. The emotional bond seems to allow the person quicker access to previously assimilated coping methods for the event they are faced with that has similar circumstances. It seems that the language-based articulation of an event takes a lot of time and energy therefore, as a human; I find that I feel an emotional connectivity long before I can access the belief I have about my outcomes from the event.



This last image is amazing for a couple of reasons. For me, it sums up Nature vs. Nurture with no words spoken. This is me and my oldest daughter. She was adopted this past February however has been in my care for six years. The family resemblance is uncanny even though I am not her biological mother. Everywhere we go, people tell me that we look so much alike.

I am a PsychoAnalytical (nightmare) Dream come true!

Psychoanalytical theorists note that a person’s core personality is developed and stabilized at a relatively young age. Freud would assume my successful adult personality is a byproduct of the successful completion of his psychosexual stage theory. Success would be determined by a lack of fixation within either the oral, anal or phallic stages. Freud postulated that small amounts of psychic energy are used up while passing through these early childhood stages. If a person completes these stages rather than fixating upon the intense pleasure of the stage, then a healthy personality will develop. However, fixation will cause the excessive use of psychic energy and without the maximum amounts of psychic energy; the adult personality will appear malformed. It is easy to validate many aspects of Freud’s Psychosexual Stage theory because it is easy to observe how traumatic experiences in early childhood do indeed manifest in many unconscious character traits.
However, I am not strong because I have found successes in the earliest stages of my life. I have found strength in both the acknowledgment and dismissal of victimization. I was severely abused and neglected. While everyone must experience the trauma involved with the completion of developmental stages, I experienced the perversion of the early stages. As a small child I suffered from ambiguous attachments to deprivation of many basic human needs such as food, love, safety and sometimes shelter. I suffered a traumatic brain injury at two years old in which the latent affect is solely physical; I am going blind.
It would seem that Freud might postulate that my strength has manifested because I successfully deny and repress trauma. I would argue that denial implies that I do not admit these events and repression assumes that I cannot articulate these traumas because they are not within my conscious thoughts. However, they are present in many of my dreams therefore, valid.
Sigmund Freud might even have thought I am strong because my well-developed ego has mastered defense mechanisms such as sublimation and displacement. Rather than sucking up precious physic energy by constantly repressing trauma, I found socially acceptable outlets to channel my dangerous id impulses. He would say that my work as a child advocate and foster parent are signs of sublimation because these are socially acceptable ways to vent undesirable emotions. I can engage anger and confrontational impulses in the defense of someone who cannot defend themselves. He would say I became an Army soldier and Veteran of Foreign Wars in an attempt to redirect rage and contempt toward an enemy that can justifiably be harmed.
I wouldn't agree with him. I would accuse him of an over-active need to make excuses. He would then, assess my defunct personality as unmanageable and solicit a prior authorization for a frontal lobotomy; thus, relieving me and society of my dysfunction.




Besides, Have you ever seen the inside of a can of "Whoop-Ass"? This picture very much resembles how I feel about me on the inside.

I am not a Drama Queen…I merely evolved.

Evolutionary Personality theorists would view my intensely emotional, highly neurotic personality as a success to the evolution-based theory because not only have I survived thus far, but I have survived beautifully. The Evolutionary Personality Theory spins off of the biological premise of Natural Selection. Charles Darwin postulated that if we are to survive, then we must evolve or develop physical characteristics that allow us greater control over the surrounding environment. It is suggested that humans need to develop psychological mechanisms which allow us to manage common human problems. Two human conditions which seem to affect many people negatively are Social Exclusion and Anxiety, the fear that develops from the idea that we may be excluded from a desired group or relationship.
As a young child and along my journey through adolescence, I was physically awkward, cross-eyed, socially inept and emotionally imbalanced. I also found that my family remained willing to constantly remind me of these characteristics. I was raised in the backwoods of Maryland in a socially depressed community along with over a dozen siblings and any transient person my parents decided to welcome into our home. I observed the immediate effects of parental neglect and the latent affects of social inadequacy. When I was reaching adolescence, my family moved to an upper classed neighborhood in Phoenix, Arizona. I found that my feral behavior and disregard for the social community, was not copacetic with survival. I was always in trouble. I didn’t understand certain social constructs such as morality in appearance, thought and actions. I found that I was quickly rejected by many people because I was a threat to their community. Therefore, I found it was time to evolve. My immediate family suffered from a culturally impoverished mindset and quickly rejected my desires for greater community acceptance. The saying, “misery loves company” became apparent.
Through a series of triumphs and failures, moments of inclusion and blatant rejections, I found a greater quality of life from certain psychological mechanisms. The times when I experienced exclusion from schools, churches and social events created a great amount of depression within me. I learned that the anxiety that developed from the fear of rejection was enough of a motivator to propel me toward survival. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to fail. I certainly didn’t want to go back to the life where I came from. Anxiety is often assessed as a negative emotion. I have learned that no person has any negative emotions, only emotions that are misused and uncontrolled. Anxiety fueled my determination to reject behaviors that were harmful to me. Today, that same anxiety propels me to succeed in College, to confront negativity and to spit in the face of anything I perceive as detrimental to my survival. I’ve learned to engage in conversations that are appropriate to the environment. I have learned that education is the only thing I take with me when I die. I have learned that adhering to a set of standards, thoughts or emotional responses are all effective means for creating an environment in which I would die from a failure to thrive.
Charles Darwin might claim that my short stature, subpar vision and disproportionately low center of gravity are all physical reasons that I will not fare well in the race for survival. However, he may also find that my quick wit, intellectual motivation and community-oriented social needs are all valid arguments to why I will continue to thrive long after my physical evolution has stunted me.

To be Strong, we must acknowledge weakness

I become stronger because I have weaknesses that I can master. Here is a short video which demonstrates my intense irrational fear of spiders. This funny little excerpt shows how my strength has manifested within my children who use it to help me through my weaknesses. I have the world's most irrational fear of spiders. Freud would love that. Life's greatest moments are impromptu... Ignore the mess!

Central Traits

Strength is my central characteristic and it is of a unique sort. Unlike many characteristics which appear relatively stable throughout the lifespan, strength must be used and conditioned perpetually if it is to remain strong. When I encounter a situation that is hard, I do not ask God to remove this obstacle from my path, rather I ask for the tools to successfully move through it. Strength seems to be a major umbrella for other traits that I display consistently.
Because I am strong, I am confident. My confidence allows me the strength to endure all of life’s challenges. My strong endurance enables me perseverance through the intensity of my neurotic temperament. My intense neuroticism or emotionality, allows me to provide abundant comfort, support, nurturance and protection to those in my care. Those in my care become strong because they can draw strength from me until they are able to stand on their own. Their acceptance and contentment with life rejuvenates my strength because it is the overt proof that I am integral to a greater plan and purpose.

Five Sources & Never the Same Mixture

Traits can be thought of as Dispositions that I hold which I have formed because of the Nature of my surroundings and the Nurture I have received in this Life. Many theorize that we all have the same human dispositions however the amounts we have are uniquely varied. Gordon Allport would nod favorably at my claims that my personality is fluid and alive. Indeed, my personality is as alive as every other living thing on this Earth and I am changing as I grow.
Henry Murray presented a list of 27 psychogenic needs that I have formed into a specific hierarchy that is the essential to the being of Me. He recognized that how other’s view Me is subjective and dependent upon my readiness to respond to a given situation. Furthermore, he postulates that my hierarchy is prioritized upon my internal needs. He may have agreed with my philosophy that I will ultimately spend my time doing that which is most important to Me.
Psychogenic Needs are within us all and I see each as a different colorful bead that is manipulated by the environment and the viewer. You may see that I have strong needs for Understanding, Exhibition, Achievement or Affiliation. If it were Henry Murray, he would feel I am drawing on these psychogenic traits in order to fulfill my desire for Achievement in my studies.
Who I am can be a sharp contrast to the person I am perceived to be. Perception is based within an observer’s emotions. To Me, I am forthright and honest. To You, I may be perceived as aggressive and harsh. Quite possibly, if emotion were to be extracted from perception, we may all contain a set of source traits. Researchers such as Raymond Cattell felt that I have Ten of these source traits, however, many current indications suggest I consist of five traits that cover the currents of Me in the OCEAN of human personality traits.
I exist upon a continuum of Neuroticism because I have thresholds for personal adjustment and emotional stability. My early life was chaos and I spent many years refining survival skills that required constant adjustment to the unknown. I have found emotional stability within many defense mechanisms. In this moment, I have found peace and have adjusted to a level of normalcy that I have set and I have come to embrace my emotional labiality because I want to cherish every emotion for what it is. I am quite high in the Neuroticism Category.
Interaction with this life is unavoidable and because of my desires and goals, I exist high on the Extraversion continuum. I have chosen to partake of a traditional marriage rich with children, community, religion and education. This choice in this moment has required that I develop strong interpersonal relationships, refined social skills and well developed optimism and assertion. At this moment in my existence, I remain highly extraverted so that I can be who I want to be.
Nature is inevitable and quite possibly the charm in my kaleidoscope that radiates my disposition to intellect or Openness. I once heard that intelligence is seen in one’s willingness to consider new ideas without judgment. I have found that I thrive on symmetry, familiarity and consistency. But, when I am comfortable, I am creative, innovative, colorful and imaginative. I am no artist but I find beauty in most things. I find that I am open to new ideas as long as my physical needs for safety, health and family are not jeopardized. I am mid-range on the Openness continuum because I am protective of the safety, love and connectedness that I have created away from the chaotic unknowns of my origins.
Agreeableness is a very subjective trait continuum that I am still exploring. I feel that I rate high in this characteristic unless I perceive you as a danger ~ or my Dentist. I have experienced many times where I have succumbed rather than agreed to the environmental conditions because it was best for the greater good. In this moment, I try to be helpful and I physically force myself to try trust before suspicion. I consider myself as docile and soft-hearted as a mother bear. As long as I do not perceive the threat to my cubs, then I am agreeable. However, I am ruthless to that which threatens my existence. I live by the promise that I will never point a gun at you unless it is my complete intention to kill you. Therefore, circumstantially speaking, I am agreeable.
The fifth dimension of my personality within the trait theory is centered somewhere along the Conscientiousness continuum. I am well organized, careful, conscientious and efficient. I have progressively found comfort higher along this continuum. As I mature, I am moving away from a willfulness attitude and striving toward a greater willingness to work for what I desire. I feel I am existent at a level that no longer needs validation or outside judgment. I am incredibly content with my ability to work and willingness to achieve.

Traits as Facets

I am colorful, dynamic, constantly changing and inertia is propelling me toward my future and eternity. I am multi-faceted and as I move and change, the light that shines through Me, illuminates a different spectrum to whomever is observing. I am made of the finest materials because I am a child of God. I am His Daughter; therefore, a Princess. I am here for a short amount of time and I am a unique mixture of whatever your traits perceive me to be. I have a core but, I think the core of Being is too pure and rich to articulate and summarize. Trait theorist will continue to create adjectives and classifications until time ends for them. I know that I am today what I have chosen in this moment and like the turning of the kaleidoscope, will never again be this person again.

Personally Speaking...

Personalities are prismatic and multi-faceted. I think of my personality as simplistic and complex as a child’s kaleidoscope. Dependent upon things such as perception, comfort, interpersonal relations and openness, my personality can be as unique among viewers as if each one were passing along the child’s toy and gazing through the colorful beads and sunlight to enjoy their own interpretation of the thing that is: Me.